Beginnings, endings, and knowing the difference

Hola again armchair travellers!

So here I am back in los Estados Unidos! I must say that returning home has bought on a number of conflicting emotions, very similar to what I was feeling when my trip was ending in Patagonia. I have done some time in the south and so have had the opportunity to do such things as honk for Jesus and eating my weight in all things fried.

But my return to NY has been strange. As happy as I am to be home, I am also feeling like perhaps this is not my place anymore, or perhaps more accurately I am just wondering where I fit. Perhaps I have outgrown it, as I do with every place I go after a while. The other day I took a walk in the park and got to hear such things as one of the UES moms saying to the kids “want to see the rats?” and a couple sitting next to me on a bench wondering if dogs get anorexia. Now you all know I am prone to odd considerations, but canine anorexia? Really. I felt for perhaps the first time in a long time that I could not relate to these people, which of course brings on the wondering if I ever did relate to them. Funny NY things that I have seen already...Barbara Walters having lunch near ABC the day she came out with what was apparently was a big bombshell about her affair with a black senator, raccoons following me in central park (this is odd, even by NYC standards), and “regular” coffee, meaning that it comes with sugar and milk unless you say otherwise.

And so here I am left to contemplate what was before, what will be again, and what will be next. I have spent so much time in my life thinking that my constant need throughout my life to move on to whatever is next is a fault, and have realized that perhaps it is not a fault as much as just a state of being for me, and that there is nothing wrong with it. As with all things we think about ourselves as a fault (like having fat thighs, for instance) you end up just stressing about it and thinking there is something wrong with you, rather than just saying that this is something that is different about me from other people, and it is what it is. Perhaps this is the reason why I end up leaving all my romantic relationships and not seeking out new ones now—this need to always be changing locations, people, jobs, and myself. Perhaps I am terrified of meeting someone great and someday feeling that need to move on...but I digress.

I realize I truly am excited and come alive when I am planning something new. A new job, new travel, or moving to a new place. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with this, and the piece I always think in missing in finding happiness in wherever I am is simply that my nature is to always be seeking something different. And there is nothing wrong with this because the world is huge, and there are many different things, people and places to do, and my nature is to experience as much of it as possible in this short time we are allocated on planet earth.

And so enough of that for now and we will just spend a moment reflecting on this year. Let's start with a few things I have learned this year, such as I am not talking myself into things anymore. Either they are right, or they are not right. This includes jobs, dates and clothes. Either it fits or it doesn’t and if I am feeling that it doesn’t in some fashion, I am simply making the decision it is not right and moving on. I am not making apologies for myself, which does not mean I will not apologize for my behavior when it is inappropriate, as it is for all of us at one time or another. Other lessons, while possibly not so profound, include such things as:

1. Don’t take a minibus in the wee hours of the night from Bogotá to western
Colombia with drunk people if your language ability is not stellar.

2. Don’t take airsickness pills just a few minutes before getting on a small
plane.

3. If the sign says “Comida Mexicana” it most certainly is not.

4. Serving rice and potatoes at one meal is acceptable in many parts of the
world.

5. Hardboiled eggs can be mixed in with anything, and often are.

6. Tarantulas always come back.

7. All conversations will eventually lead to whether or not you have a boyfriend

8. Any bus that says express will not be (including in NYC!).

9. Yes, Ham is a vegetable—especially at customs.

10. The real trick is determining the age of the llama you are bargaining for.

And then there are these other things, that are just things that I have done and a few highlights of the great experiences I have had....

1. Pushed my body to physical limits with extended treks climbing mountains and
descending into valleys. And having to climb back out again!

2. Had great sex…..and also had my heart broken.

3. Adjusted to living in a world where I did not understand 60% (or more) of
what was going on 100% of the time.

4. Hiked on glaciers.

5. Paraglided over coffee fields, tobacco fields, and oceans.

6. Watched the sun rise at 5,000 meters (over 17,000 feet for those of us
metrically inept)

7. Gone searching for caimans and snakes in the night.

8. Made cocaine, while avoiding the guerillas who think it their own.

9. Eaten a common pet.

10. Gotten attacked at Carnaval.

One of the things I haven't done is get sick--and I am not sure how I pulled that off while everyone else was puking or having the shits in the bathrooms of a number of shady hostels. Bolivia you know who you are. And I also didn't find myself in any compromising positions in which I really felt unsafe (other than that one in Peru which was totally not my fault!), and this after I have had a number of stalkers in different countries.

There are so many other things I have encountered and learned this year, and while I don't have time to go into them all, I know you all have been following my blog this past year so know what many of them are and that I don't need to. I also know that the longer I am here, the harder it is to reflect and so will go ahead and post this for now. I will probably do a last follow up to put down more thoughts and things to reflect on, especially from a perspective of being back in the EEUU and so will keep you posted on when to look for it. In the meantime, thanks for all your support and sharing this year vicariously, and will leave you with a couple of last photos from my last nights in BsAs watching the fabulous salsa dancers at a Cuban club in Buenos Aires, and a couple of pics from my first place back en los estados unidos, courtesy of my new friend Annie whom I met in Colombia and again in Ecuador at her home in Miami.

http://s176.photobucket.com/albums/w190/sweidmann/Returns/?albumview=slideshow

And thanks again to all the amazing people I have met this year whom have made this trip amazing and all of you on the US end that made this possible, including friends, family, and the world's most amazing subletters. Yo tuve muy muy buena suerte y gracias por todos mis chicos!

One of my favorite quotes this year is from Gavin, from Ireland, made in Bolivia. He said “the cigarettes are so cheap, is seems rude not to smoke”. And while I am not here to make a case for smoking, I am going to use this quote to my own devices. I am not a religious person, but this does not mean I don’t believe in a higher power of some sort, a sort of which I don’t believe humans really have the capacity to understand. What I can say at this point is that I have a very blessed life, for living in the country I do and having the advantages I have. So to whatever powers are responsible for my life, one thing I can say is that I have so many opportunities and advantages in this life that most other people on the planet never have, and because of this, it would be rude of me to live a life of discontent.

Susanna